I feel as though I haven’t been happy in a long time. Having Anorexia Nervosa when I was only 15 forced me to grow up too fast. I never really had an adolescence. The last five years have been a day to day battle for me. Not once have I looked in the mirror in five years and liked what I saw. I would give up everything to be happy. I know God has a reason for everything that takes place in my life, and I have always tried to use my struggles as a way to minister and help other people. Sometimes I get so tired of fighting my self. Sadly, I look back on the last five years of life and realize that I have wasted my life on trying to be perfect.
When I was 90 pounds, my body reflected exactly how I felt (and still feel) inside. Small, fragile, scared, alone, sick. So now not only do I weigh 30 pounds more, but my body doesn’t reflect the pain I hold inside.
It kills me that day to day, I have to pretend to be something I am not: happy. My life is like a play, and I am pretending to be the perfect girl satisfied with life and skipping around in joy. After so many years of pretending, I have pretty much mastered the art of acting.
In Guatemala I catch a glimpse of what I believe to be true happiness; I don’t how or why, but I would like to find out. In Guatemala I love the person I am. These last 4 months have been rough. The though that I almost touched happiness and then to lost it in a second kills me.
